apples

One bad apple ruins the whole barrel. It's true. And what do you do when you have more bad apples than good apples? Throw out the whole barrel and start over? Or do you just keep eating them, worms and all? Or maybe you can mash them all up into applesauce, with lots of cinnamon, and that will somehow make them more palatable. But sometimes all you need is one GOOD apple to make the barrel worthwhile. There's no saving a rotten apple, but you can choose to focus on the sweet crisp apples -- even if they're few and far between -- and to be a shiny apple yourself.

I am a shiny apple.

humanity

There are a ton of flags on the lawn at Pepperdine up in Malibu overlooking the sea. As you might expect, each flag represents a person who died on September 11, 2001, ten years ago. You can't help but be moved by this, yet there's also a part of me that resists the sentiment, finds something cloying and melodramatic about the notions of patriotism and heroism, and the intense nostalgia that our culture attaches to the events that occurred that day. Why is that? Am I just horribly jaded or afraid of my own emotions? Or is it more that I'm disconcerted by the fact that our culture is disproportionately obsessed with one tragic moment, while virtually ignoring the things that may have caused it, or the fact that we somehow avoided allowing such a shocking, potentially pivotal moment to have any real effect on how we live our daily lives? Or all of the above?

for mom

This is a flattened candy corn I found in Balboa Park this weekend. It's been flattened by people stepping on it, distorting it into a larger irregular shape, but always identifiable by its tricolor striation. It reminds me of Mom. This sounds ridiculous but it's true. Once upon a time, we were riding the escalator at Nordstroms together, and we looked over the edge to see a gigantic candy corn on the lobby floor below. This is back in the day when they used to have live piano players. When we arrived at the lobby level, we saw that it was indeed a regular candy corn that had been trampled by dozens (if not hundreds) of people passing through the lobby until it had been flattened and expanded into seriously like ten times its original size. Perhaps time has exaggerated the true size of the candy corn, but it was a story that we often remembered and laughed about together, many times to the point of hysteria. For some reason it was just so absurd and hilarious. And we would've laughed about this one this weekend, even though it pales in comparison to the original, inspirational candy corn.

wtf

Apparently at a recent evening event at the zoo, some bastards managed to injure two of the resident meerkats. The meerkats live in an open enclosure so that people can see them clearly and enjoy their antics, and also so that the meerkats can see the blue sky and feel the fresh air on their little faces. It's a happy and popular exhibit. They're charming and fascinating animals. So why the FUCK would someone want to hurt them? One of them had her head/jaw smashed, and the other one was all scraped up -- both injured in ways that only a bastard human could have caused. It makes me so SICK. Of course they'll never find the culprits, but if they ever do, I recommend that they be put down immediately. Anyone who intentionally takes another life (except in self defense) forfeits their own. Even more so when it's a completely innocent life, of a captive animal, no less. These poor zoo creatures are only here for our amusement -- and supposedly our education and edification. If you think it's fun to shoot fish in a barrel, you should be shot in the head.

current priorities

Current priority #1: Find a dress
We've set a date, reserved our plane tickets, and booked hotels in Florence, Ravenna, and Venice. We've signed a contract with the nice people who will (presumably) facilitate our civil service in the Sala Rossa. Mr. G is working on rings and a suit. And I need a damn dress. I thought I just wanted a light blue cocktail-type dress until a few days ago when I suddenly realized that I must have a white wedding dress. What the hell? Of course they all look weird to me because unlike many girls, I haven't spent all my time up until this point fantasizing about my wedding day. I don't want it to be too lacy, but I don't want it to be too plain. I want white, not cream or champagne. Do I want floor length or tea length? Strapless or sleeveless? Fitted or flowing? Sleek or fluffy? Simple and sophisticated or a bit outrageous because what-the-hell-you-only-do-this once-right? So many decisions, and literally an unlimited number of dresses to choose from. UNLIMITED! I need to make a dress selection within the next two months, never mind the accessories which must follow. And here's the really tricky part: it has to be something that suits both me AND Mr. G!

Current priority #2: Rent the condo
I would also LOVE to rent the condo within the next two months, but maybe that's asking too much. All I want is a graduate student couple, or maybe a visiting professor and his/her partner, who'll pay between $1,500-$2,000/month to allow me to pay the bills and make a little profit. The place is in excellent condition, in a wonderful and peaceful location, and it's perfectly outfitted with lovely furnishings, a patio & deck, a selection of sheets, towels, and dishes. You'll love it! I've posted it all over the university sites, and am trying to spread the word, but I have zero viable candidates. I must find a way to make this work because I am not about to sell the place, for a myriad of reasons.

Pretty much everything else can wait.

la jolla playhouse

Mom's memorial stone is finally in place at the La Jolla Playhouse, and it looks great! The Playhouse was one of Mom's favorite spots for local theater, and she saw many performances there over the years, with many friends. Gregory Peck was one of its original founders, back in the day (he's a local boy, you know). We had originally planned to have a plaque placed on one of the seats inside the theater, but then we learned about the stones, which are obviously so much more beautiful and permanent. Plus, you can visit anytime because it's outside!

Her stone is right in the front row in the main courtyard, basking in the warm La Jolla sun in the mornings, and cooling in the gentle shade of the eucalyptus trees in the afternoon. The courtyard is the site of many receptions and celebratory events, and of course theater-goers mix and mingle there at intermission. Now all these happy people, feeling enriched by quality theatrical performances, will see Mom's stone and know that she was loved.

spirit animals

Chakras are great. Little spinning wheels -- or blooming flowers -- of energy at key points in our bodies keeping us connected to ourselves and the greater universe. My mind is a ping pong ball (or a jar FULL of ping pong balls), so I suck at meditating, and envisioning the chakras, one at a time, is pretty much the only way I can focus myself. Recently, a dear friend suggested a new meditation technique she'd tried in which you associate a different animal with each chakra as you meditate. You don't choose the animals, of course, you let them choose you. Just open your mind, focus on your chakras, and see which creatures present themselves. I love animals, and I love contemplating and exploring our many and varied relationships with them, so this sounded perfect for me. I've only done it once so far, while sitting in the sun near the La Brea tar pits. I suppose you could/would receive different animals each time you do it, but here's who came to me during my first attempt:

BASE CHAKRA: LION
The lion represents the confident creator. He/she teaches you about self love, how not to be so hard on yourself, and how to relax and let go. The lion encourages you to pamper yourself, and to acknowledge that you're worth pampering. When you're feeling stressed out, listen to the lion when he/she tells you to take a break instead of drowning in angst and neurosis. The base chakra is associated with our personal foundation and sense of being grounded. The confident and self indulgent lion seems like a good "base" to build on. (Portrait by Gericault, ca. 1820)

SACRAL CHAKRA: PIG
The pig uproots the soil, turning it over in preparation for new growth. The pig helps us become fertile ground for new ideas as we rid ourselves of the old. Listen to your soul (via the pig), and plow up some time in your life for the new ideas you're receiving. The sacral chakra is associated with our ability to accept others and new experiences. So I'm rooting around and perhaps opening myself up to new relationships -- or new dimensions to existing relationships -- particularly in the face of the loss of very important "old" relationships. And of course your relationships with the dead continue to evolve even after they've departed. (Piglet from Herculaneum, ca. 1st century A.D.)

BELLY CHAKRA: CRAB
The crab represents the fierce feminine (not the first thing that comes to mind, but okay). She stands for self protection and sensitivity, but can be moody and emotional. She will help you with self preservation through challenging times, and will help you to heal your relationship with your mother (of all people). When you listen to the crab, you listen to your gut and your intuition. The belly chakra is associated with our ability to be confident and in control of our lives. Interesting. The complexities of the mother/daughter relationship are often some of the trickiest things to navigate when trying to gain/retain "control" in one's life. My belly is the root of most of my problems, so I feel this is one of the most important chakras/animals to listen to, but I hate crabs! They creep me out to the extreme! This all makes sense somehow . . . (Vintage scientific illustration)

HEART CHAKRA: DEER
The deer is the sensitive listener. You can call upon the deer when you need to be heard and nurtured. She gives you the courage to speak your mind. A sense of calm and centeredness comes when the deer is invited into your life. The heart chakra is associated with our ability to love (duh). I think I need to love myself more, so perhaps I can interpret this as learning to listen to and nurture myself. For this chakra, the deer came in clearly, but there was a dove lurking nearby. Both creatures are often associated with purity and innocence, and that's very much the feeling I had from their presence. Is my heart somehow pure and innocent? And if so, is that a good thing? (Scythian gold deer, 7th century B.C.)

THROAT CHAKRA:
BUTTERFLY
The butterfly is the delicate transformer. Of course butterflies have the classic cocoon metaphor of rebirth, emergence, and metamorphosis. They also live very short lives, so represent the fleeting nature of life. The butterfly guides you through change and transition, and encourages creative indwelling. She will help you find the power of change within yourself. The throat chakra is associated with our ability to communicate. Second to my belly, my throat is my other primary problem area. Interesting that both of these manifested as insect or insect-like creatures. Heebie-jeebies! Although of course butterflies are quite beautiful and full of all kinds of powerful symbolism (unlike the CRAB). I think I'm a good communicator in general, but I often suppress my own emotions and thoughts, so there's definitely a blockage there. The image that came to mind during meditation was the moth-over-the-mouth from "The Silence of the Lambs." Maybe this should be a moth instead of a butterfly, but they're not that different really, are they? (Maria Sibylla Merian, 17th century)

THIRD EYE CHAKRA:
NARWHAL
The whale is the cosmic record keeper, and embodies ancient wisdom. The whale will help you tap in to your intuition and tune in to your inner voice (even if that voice is buried in the ocean depths). The whale is also associated with spiritual rebirth, as in the story of Jonah and the Whale. And of course there's Moby Dick. The third eye chakra is associated with our ability to focus and see the big picture. Whales are damn powerful creatures, and damn powerful symbols. Of course it's ridiculous that my third eye chakra evoked a creature with a giant ivory tooth piercing its forehead. Maybe that's telling me that there's something very obvious about this chakra that I'm overlooking? (Inuit carving)

CROWN CHAKRA:
GOLDEN EAGLE
The eagle lives in both the earthly and spiritual realms, and can teach you how to live in balance with your earthly reality and your celestial spirit. The eagle can ease you into a state of grace, and reconnect you with your personal power. The crown chakra is associated with our ability to be fully connected spiritually. I suppose the eagle is almost a cliche for this chakra, but there was definitely a sense of a golden eagle (specifically) with its wings outstretched over my head, in a protective way. Whatever you think about chakras and spirit animals, it's comforting to think of a majestic eagle watching over you as make your way through life, especially during the difficult times. (John James Audubon, 1833)